Already Gone
by stargirlsidle
Summary: sometimes things are just too much to handle anymore...
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Already Gone

**Author**: stargirlsidle

**Disclaimer**: I don't own CSI or any of its characters, but you all knew that already

**Spoilers**: None, if you don't read the Authors Note at the end of chapter two

**Warning**: This is an angsty character death piece; there is no happiness in this what so ever!

**A/N**: I don't think Sara would ever do what she does in this story; she's way too strong. But you can't control what you write sometimes.

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**Part One - Sara**

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The howling wind beating on her windows only added to her already depressed state of mind. Normally the sound of heavy rain and stormy weather was comforting when she was warm and wrapped up inside her apartment. But tonight, the rain only served to make the whole situation seem bleaker, and increase her feelings of despair.

She sat on her bed, wrapped up in the covers, her knees drawn up to her body, quietly rocking herself. Beside her was the note she'd hastily written, all of her thoughts and fears spilled onto the single sheet of cream coloured paper. In her left hand she held a glass filled with vodka; not her usual choice but it felt to her like a safer option, more likely to do the job than her usual bottle of beer. In her right hand she held ten small white tablets, the rest lying on the bed sheet beside her.

Taking a steadying breath she began to place the tablets one by one into her mouth. With every third pill she used the vodka to help them down her throat and into her tired body. As she reached for the next handful of pills she paused, reacting to what sounded like her front door being opened. She knew she'd left it unlocked, to make it easier for someone to find her, afterwards. But she couldn't understand who would be at her door now.

Reluctantly she set down the glass of vodka and placed the pills back onto the bed, then slowly and with unsteady legs made her way to the door of her bedroom. Carefully she opened it and peered into her living room, involuntarily gasping at the man standing there. He was barely out of the entrance to her apartment and hadn't yet noticed her presence, so she made the decision to call out to him.

"What are you doing here Grissom?" her voice giving away a little more of her fragile state than she'd hoped.

Noticing her for the first time he appeared relieved, but upon closer inspection of her face and tired body his expression changed to worry and sadness; she looked so defeated and weary.

"Sara. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to disturb you. You didn't answer your cell so I was worried."

She wanted him to leave, needed him to leave, before he realised anything was wrong. She attempted a fake smile and tried to sound calm as she replied.

"Oh, the battery must be dead. I'm sorry Gris, did you need me to work?"

Silently begging him to leave and not need her for a case, she moved to enter her living room and pulled the bedroom door closed behind her.

"No it's okay. I can see you need your night off; I'll call in Nicky. I just wanted to know you were okay. I'll, uh, see you at work tomorrow night. Sorry to disturb you Sara."

He had assumed he'd woken her and that explained the tired look in her eyes, the way her shoulders drooped as she stood before him. Seeing that she was okay, at least physically, he felt relieved and turned to leave.

"Goodnight Grissom."

Had she not been so relieved that he had left so easily, her voice would have betrayed her emotional state on those final words.

She watched as he walked through the door of her apartment, pulling it closed behind him. She let out a breath she hadn't realised she was holding and turned to re-enter her bedroom. Slowly she made her way back to the bed and took up her previous position, only this time her mind wasn't so blank as thoughts of Grissom crept into her head. A nagging feeling of guilt passed through her and she stilled her hand on its way to her lips, three white pills held between her fingertips.

"Damn it!" she cursed in a whisper.

Her head felt heavy with the mix of emotions going through her mind. She thought about all the things that had made her reach this point, her childhood, her parents, foster-care, and the loneliness of college. As each memory became clear in her mind she reached for another pill and let the vodka help it down her throat.

Her thoughts turned to the last few years, the problems at work, the cases that got too much to handle, the faces of victims she couldn't save. For every victims face that came to mind she downed another pill. Feeling sleepy, her thoughts focused on Hank and how much she had let him hurt her. She had been trying to put her feelings for Grissom behind her and ended up getting hurt even more.

Grissom. That was the realization that pushed her to swallow the last few pills. As she finished the vodka and lay her head on the cool pillow she thought of all the times he'd hurt her, led her on and pushed her away. She didn't blame him for the way she felt now, she only blamed herself for letting things get that way. And that was the reason she was here now, her breathing slowing, drifting into a long and peaceful sleep.

The last thought in Sara Sidles' mind before she slipped into unconsciousness was this, 'I wonder if Grissom will be the one to find me?'

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	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: Already Gone

**Author**: stargirlsidle

**Disclaimer**: I don't own CSI or any of its characters, but you all knew that already

**Spoilers**: None, if you don't read the Authors Note at the end of chapter two

**Warning**: This is an angsty character death piece; there is no happiness in this what so ever!

**A/N**: I don't think Sara would ever do what she does in this story; she's way too strong. But you can't control what you write sometimes.

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**Part Two - Grissom**

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He let his hand linger on the door to her apartment, silently fighting an internal battle. Part of him felt satisfied with himself for caring enough to come to her apartment when he hadn't been able to reach her on the phone. He'd done his bit, more than any other boss would, or should do. But another part of him still worried. He had dismissed her tired appearance as just that, tiredness.

"But what if it's more than that?"

The fact that he'd said this aloud startled him from his thoughts and he realised he had been standing outside her apartment for five minutes. Without allowing himself another second to change his mind, he opened her apartment door once again and was faced with an empty living room. Realising that she must have gone back to her bedroom he considered leaving and letting her rest, but a feeling of unease pushed him onwards. As he reached the bedroom door he called out, quietly at first, but gaining volume as he received no response.

"Sara?"

"Sara, it's me."

"Sara?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"Sara honey, please answer me."

As he called out to her for the fifth time and still received no response he began to really worry. In an uncharacteristic move he reached for the door handle and entered her bedroom.

As he entered her room, Grissom felt as if he had entered his worse nightmare. The next few moments were a blur as he instinctively rushed to her side, the all-too-familiar scene laid out before him. He had worked enough suicide cases to recognize the signs, but never would he have thought the victim would be someone he cared about so deeply.

He reached for his cell phone and called an ambulance, remaining as calm as possible as he tried to check her pulse, his shaking hands making it all but impossible.

"Sara, please wake up," he begged as he tried to revive her, "I'm so sorry."

As he waited for the ambulance time seemed to slow to an unbearable pace. Tears ran down his cheeks as he gave her the kiss of life. Of all the ways he had imagined touching her lips with his own, he had never once imagined it like this.

He could hear the wind beat fiercely against the bedroom windows, the rain falling heavily on the roof of the apartment block. He cursed the weather for keeping the ambulance from reaching her sooner. In his mind he felt as if she had all ready gone, but still his heart fought to bring her back.

Exhausted he collapsed on the pillow beside her, his hand gripping her cold slender fingers. Silently he begged for another chance, a chance to tell her how he really felt about her, to tell her of the love he had been keeping from her. But in his heart he knew it was too late, she was already gone.

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**The End**

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**A/N:** I wrote this story absolutely ages ago and kept meaning to type it up but the fluff fics kept taking over! This was written before I'd seen any of season 5-8, hence the angst, because season 4 was just full of it!

I just saw the last 5 minutes of 'Goodbye and Good Luck' and feel absolutely heartbroken, so instead of turning to pointless feel-good fluff I decided to make myself feel even worse and post this!


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